Retrospect
by Akurei5
Summary: One-Shot. Bourne's thoughts after the events in Ultimatum and Jason Bourne.


This story is written in third person point of view and consists of Bourne's thoughts after the events in _Jason Bourne_.

 _Salta, Argentina_ – _August 2016_

After the events in Vegas and DC, Jason once again went off the grid. Planning his next move and biding his time, he got a construction job and kept a low profile. He tried to keep his mind off everything that happened. He had warned Nicky to stay off the grid and not to get involved with Dassault; but she was determined to take down the black-ops programs, just as determined as he had been to take down Blackbriar. But after Blackbriar was exposed, the powers at the CIA just simply cut their losses and started over again and nothing changed. He felt disillusioned and the experience had made a bit of a cynic out of him. At some point during his years on the run, he had given up on trying to save the world so to speak and had just accepted things for the way they were. He had no longer concerned himself with assets and black ops programs; he had only concerned himself about his own survival and Nicky's. She had been the only person in the world that he could trust.

She had once mentioned in the café in Spain that "it was difficult for me … with you." After the events in New York, he tracked her down to make sure she was okay. He asked her what she had meant by that. She explained that of the assets she looked after in Paris, he was the only one who seemed to feel remorse for his victims, the only one who seemed to feel any compassion for them, the only one who actual seemed human rather than a robotic assassin. And this had made her job difficult, because it made her question the legitimacy of all of this. Her suspicions grew over the years and she eventually decided she could no longer work in black ops. Stumbling into Daniels' office and running into Bourne wasn't quite the exit she had planned, but she felt that Bourne's cause was just and she couldn't go on taking orders from the CIA in the form of corrupt and self-interested directors. So she decided to help Bourne, knowing full well it could be the end of her career, her future, and possibly her life. She clung to the faint hope that exposing Blackbriar to the public would send Vosen and his higher-ups to prison, and then she would be free of this and able to start over.

Jason and Nicky stayed in contact afterwards. They were always there for each other; they didn't have anyone else. They looked out for each other, each rescuing the other from the depths of despair which crept up every now and again during a constant life on the run. He began to see her as the one good thing in this twisted world. Eventually, he began to fall in love with her. When he realized it was happening, he felt disgusted with himself. It betrayed Marie's memory, not to mention he was the reason Nicky was in this mess. Even if she had feelings for him and they decided to be together, he felt that it would be more dangerous for her as he was a higher priority target as far as the agency was concerned and she might wind up as collateral damage just like Marie So he kept his feelings to himself and tried never to give her a hint how much he cared, how much she meant to him, how much he wanted to hold her in his arms. If anything, he acted more abrasive around her to hide it. Even so, he would sometimes catch her looking at him out of the corner of his eye. When he turned his head to meet her gaze, she would look away. She often got closer to him than was necessary when they took public transportation even getting into his personal space. She would also sometimes look at him as though she wanted to tell him something but that something was holding her back. He wasn't sure what to make of this, but chose not to read into it.

When he felt it was time for them to part ways, she would always invite him to stay with her. Each time the offer was harder to refuse. But he always did. Instead, he would watch over her from the shadows. Her safety was his top concern above all else. He felt that by staying with her for too long, he risked it. He couldn't be that selfish. He never knew if she reciprocated his feelings or not. He never broached the topic having already decided that they shouldn't be together.

The years passed and he started earning cash as a bare-knuckle boxer in Greece. As for Nicky, her years on the run had hardened her personality; she wouldn't hesitate to resort to violence. She had gone from being afraid to being angry. She had gotten sick of being afraid. Why should she cower away from those at the agency that had made her life hell? She decided to take the fight to them. Jason saw what was happening. He dropped in on her more frequently and tried to get her to leave it alone, stay off the grid, and just stay alive. He tried to get her to just accept things for the way they were. While Jason could subsist with this kind of existence, she couldn't. She didn't want to run or live in the shadows for the rest of her life. Jason had a sick feeling that she was putting herself at great risk by taking on the agency like this.

Then she came to him in Greece after she hacked the CIA and they met in the city square. They were trying to escape on the stolen police bike. He thought they were almost home free when he felt her push forward when she was first shot. Then the bike spun out of control and crashed. When he came to, he called out for her and found her writhing form. She was dying. They both knew it. He was going to try and save her anyways. She shook her head as if to say "no". Why? Had she already given up? He was going to try anyways. Almost as if to stop him and hasten her death, she rolled over on her side, pulled out the USB drive, and threw it towards him as she was shot. He saw the tears roll down her face. The image of her face contorted in pain right after she died was burned into his mind. He had failed her. She was dead because of him; the asset was aiming for him. Just like Marie. They had each taken a bullet meant for him. He blamed himself entirely for their deaths. The guilt was almost unbearable. He had to find a purpose for his life, before the pain of loss ate him alive and drove him insane. He had to make their sacrifices worth something.


End file.
